


To Jump, To Run, To Seek

by goingtothetardis



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: (Bad Wolf implied... not directly addressed), Angst, Dark Rose, Dimension Hopping Rose, F/M, Introspection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-23
Updated: 2016-09-23
Packaged: 2018-08-16 21:46:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8118679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goingtothetardis/pseuds/goingtothetardis
Summary: It’s easier to run than to look too hard at such questions, and so she runs.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I've been wanting to write a Dimension Hopping Rose fic for quite a while now, although I'm not sure that this is quite what I was thinking. This week's TimePetalsPrompts second ficlet prompt - [Write any fic containing any BP character(s) - if it’s Rose make it a solo fic] - inspired this, and it's definitely a darker take on Rose. It's angsty and dark, and I'm kind of nervous to post it, honestly. 
> 
> Unbeta'd.

At the beginning, it was the gutting, raw anguish mixed with irrational hope that kept her going, day after day, believing he’d come for her soon – _”Just wait, you’ll see. If anyone can find a way, it’s the Doctor._ ” – and the grief, so deep it ached in her bones, focused her mind and made each moment, present and past, a picture of precise clarity. 

What she really wanted, however, was to disappear under the fog of darkness, to sleep and exist in a dream space not her own – because only nightmares existed in hers – to ignore reality, to forget about what she’d lost. It’d been too much to hope for, really. 

Instead, she’d wandered the halls at Pete’s mansion, Torchwood, and the streets of London, remembering every moment she’d ever spent with the Doctor, from his broody, leather-clad self to the hyperactive, pinstriped Doctor with whom she’d fallen – irrevocably and completely – into a wonderful, mad, and unpredictable romance. Together they had jumped, stretching the boundaries of their beautiful friendship until it was more than they’d ever thought it could be.

Sometimes she’d wondered if it would have been better for her to simply fall into the Void, into the nothingness, where pain ceased to exist. 

_Or did it?_

But then she’d remember her last shared glance with the Doctor, that infinitesimal hint of relief in his eyes when Pete caught her, and those dark thoughts vanished, devoured by guilt.

Those early moments of clarity, those half hearted attempts to make a life for herself at Torchwood and in Pete’s World, evaporated at the same moment the Doctor had faded away on the beach in Norway. It was as if a switch had been turned off in her mind, and for several days, perhaps even weeks, she’d barely existed in a stupor of denial and oblivion, eyes sunken and haunted, her body melting into the confines of her bed. 

Until the day she’d overheard Pete and Mickey talking about a lost star, one formerly prominent in the night sky in this universe, and one that was, quite suddenly and without explanation, no longer there.

And just like that, the switch turned back on, and a frenzied fervor of action and intent had returned to her mind, sending her body into unstoppable action. 

_The Doctor can fix this._

Days turned to weeks, weeks turned to months, and months turned to years. The stars had continued to flicker out of existence, one-by-one from the night sky, and Rose had worked tirelessly to find a way to push through the walls of the universe. No A-levels had turned into degrees and specialized training in astrophysics and quantum theory.

All to save the universe. 

All to return to him. 

**& &&**

It’s a curious thing, obsession. It’s all-consuming and relentless, the never ending desire to _jump_ , to _run_ , to _seek_.

The days she doesn’t jump, which are far and few between, an itch races under her skin, sends an awareness along her nerves that tells her she’s not doing enough, not jumping quickly enough, not searching hard enough. Her mind is consumed with thoughts. 

_Will it be enough when she finally finds who she’s looking for?_

_Will his arms be a worthy finish line?_

_Will that burning in her veins suddenly cease to exist? The urge to jump, to run, to seek?_

She’s no longer the Rose Tyler the Doctor once knew. Or, perhaps, she’s the Rose Tyler he was always meant to have. 

The carefree smile of youth is long since gone, buried under years of relentless focus on her mission, from muting all emotions that might send her off course. She’s hardened by the unforgiving ways of the universe and has built formidable walls inside her mind to protect herself from the creatures of the Void, from the malicious beasts that lurk in dark corners of the multiverse. She’s contained her love for the Doctor in an impenetrable box, hidden it within a secret place in her heart, so those hunting her cannot use it against her in a moment of weakness. 

By outward appearance, she’s lean muscle and sharp lines, blue leather and blonde hair, and oh, so very human. Beneath the layers of clothing, however, old wounds from jumps past suggest she should be dead.

But she’s not.

Over and over, death knocks at her door, and over and over again, she says no. 

It’d dawned on her, after the fifth time, that something might not be quite right, but after the next quick recovery from a should-have-been-fatal injury, she accepted the fact that she really wasn’t quite herself anymore. And between jumps back at Torchwood, her suspicions are confirmed when she analyzes her blood and body. She’s changed. She’s different.

_What is she?_

_Who is she?_

It’s easier to run than to look too hard at such questions, and so she runs. Jumps with an increasing disregard for her own safety, questioning what is it all for, if it’s really to find the Doctor and to save the universe. 

The thought that it’s for love makes her laugh bitterly, when the memories of love long since hidden try to bubble to the surface. But no, she can’t allow herself to feel, to allow such weakness to escape the simple reality of _what is_ and _what must be_. 

She jumps to find herself, to find the Rose she’s lost.

She’s everything he never wanted her to become.


End file.
